sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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