And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
