I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
