I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
