Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
