As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
