sarcasm needs its own font
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Shame - the story of my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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