had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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