I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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