I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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