We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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