R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
