dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
