i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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