He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
