I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
