guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
