If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
