dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
