When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
