Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
