I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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