i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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