If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we made out on top of his cat.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Randomize
