I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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