Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
