Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
