We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
