The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
