I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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