just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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