first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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