Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
