shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
