Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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