Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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