Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
