i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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