When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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