I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We left an ass print on the piano.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
