It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
