I'm jealous of your bromance
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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