census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize