Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
