Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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