Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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