I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
