we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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