I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
