Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
