Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize