Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
someone threw a dead crab at me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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