someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
