I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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