The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
