Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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