Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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