??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
