I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize