So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
