Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
