So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize