I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
